Fragile Emotions
by Kiinari
Summary: It is like a glass between you and me. -Amuto- Implied Utau/Kukai and Utau/Ikuto
1. The Past I

A/N:

Normally I wouldn't put an author's note up here since it looks ugly. But a short note before you read. Try putting yourself into Amu's shoes when reading.

* * *

**- + - Fragile Emotions - + -**

"And she ran back to that stupid orange head guy again. Can you believe it Amu?"

"No, of course not."

I shook my head at the comment. Some people just didn't know how to appreciate their good fortune at times.

"A bit of flirting would do the trick. Make sure you buy a gift to get her on her good side."

"Thanks for the advice Amu. You are the best friend a guy can get."

"Of course. Why should I not be?"

I grinned but bit back the hurt threatening to flow into my voice. A sharp pain cuts through my heart whenever I hear him say that. Best friend huh?

"Good luck in getting the girl Ikuto!"

He smirked at me before leaving the house to buy his ex-girlfriend a present.

The two were always getting together and breaking up all because of a simple quarrel. It was Utau who gets him. Always. And whenever she dumped him for Kukai who was there to pick up Ikuto? Me. Utau never once saw him cry. I did. But Ikuto fancied her still. I can't deny the fact that she is prettier than me. Not to mention a worldwide famous pop star. And when you compare her to me, which guy in the right mind would choose me over her? No one. That includes Ikuto too.

It doesn't matter anyway. I can't confess. I admit. I'm scared of the outcome. I don't want to break the current relationship I have with Ikuto. I can't. Ah. There is Ikuto.

"Hey Amu, thanks for the advice! It worked."

"You're welcome."

I will just have to grin and bear with it.

**-**

There they are at the ice cream stall buying two chocolate ice cream. Ikuto rejected his one with Utau looking at him in incredulously. He smirked at her and took a lick at hers. She blushed. Who wouldn't? I would definitely. He teased her. She pouted before laughing along with him. Another dull pang shot through my heart. I close my eyes. I didn't want to see them together. It was just another addition to my nightmares.

They seem to have lots of fun.

Somehow, my ice cream didn't melt that fast that day.

But I will endure all of this.

After all, who would pick up Ikuto when he is broken?

Utau?

Nah.

That's right.

Me.

**-**

"Amu she dumped again! What does she see in that orange hair brat?"

"I don't know. Don't worry, she will come back to you I'm sure."

I lied as I played with his soft hair. His head fits so comfortably on my lap. So warm. I wish that this moment would last forever.

"You sure? She seemed really furious this time round."

"Yeah. I'm sure of it. Who could resist your manly charms?"

"Hmm. You got a good point there."

I smiled inwardly. There, there. Here comes his arrogant self.

"Though you should stop being so arrogant of yourself narcissist."

"Hey!"

But even so, the main topic we always discuss about is always about Utau isn't it?

**-**

**12.00a.m.**

I didn't think that I was an insomniac. It never crossed my mind once. A scene flash through my mind as I thought of what you and Utau where doing now. Probably still nightclubbing? Most likely.

I don't feel any pain in my chest now ever since I gotten used to the dull throbbing of my heart. Day by day you unknowingly stab me through my heart. The wound never healed. It only grew. I could feel the emptiness slowly robbing me of my emotions and strength. How long has it been since I last smiled? I can't remember how to smile now.

I stretched the two ends of my lips upwards and let them go.

Was it supposed to be like that? It seemed so foreign to me.

I took a glance at my appearance that was reflected on the ornate mirror. I look so utterly tired with black bags surrounding my eyes. My skin no longer held the healthy glow it should have.

Hinamori Amu.

Where have you disappeared to?

**-**

It is just days before your wedding. I was shock honestly. I felt so much grief that it nearly tore me into two. I cried because of you so many times at night. That is how I slept. I just wanted to take out this heart of mine and rip it into pieces. Let this end. I'm tired of all the pain and suffering.

I don't blame you. I can't change your feelings. Even if I could, I wouldn't do it. It just wasn't you. But I would continue living on. I will be here waiting for you with open arms when you break down. Just for you. But when I saw how happy you were with her, I didn't think my existence was needed any longer. I grabbed the nearest knife. I wonder how I was like to cut myself. I heard it gives one release. I was tempted to try but I was always too timid. But now, I don't really care anymore. I needed release. From this depressing emotions. From this world. The cool metal touched my wrist. It bites like cold ice. It was taunting me. Just one slit.

To my utmost horror, you suddenly burst into the kitchen, your arms wrapped around Utau's shoulder.

Both of you stopped and stared in shock. How synchronized. Did you two practice that together? You immediately snatched the glinting knife from me and threw it aside before starting to shout. Utau hugged me. But all I felt was a body clinging to my dead one.

All the time I was staring at you while you scolded me. Did you know you can mesmerize me even though you look so angry? Your low but seductive baritone voice pours over me making me calm down and think rationally. It was surprising to know it can still soothe my twisted soul.

"I was just wondering why people like to cut themselves."

"Did you know you can die from it?! What were you thinking?!"

It brings me great relief to know you still cared about me.

"Right, I will just leave you two alone so that you can spend your time together."

I smirked and winked at both of you before walking upstairs to my bedroom. Yet, all I have been doing in front of you was an act. A fresh wound was added to my injured heart when I saw you two enjoying each other's company. I trudged upstairs and entered my empty bedroom, reminiscing the times we spent together. I glanced at the innocent looking bottle that sat on the top of my cabinet and that instant I knew what I would do.

**-**

"Hey Ikuto, is it just me or is Amu being up there for a very long time already?"

The previous scene flashed back into Ikuto's mind. Amu holding the knife looking depressed and worn out. It couldn't be. He immediately rushed up the staircase with Utau just steps behind him. He twisted the doorknob and tried to push it but in would budge. Utau knocked on the door frantically.

"Amu, are you in there? Answer me!"

"Utau stand back."

A heavy kick landed on the door and it broke the lock. The two rushed in frantically looking around the room. There was Amu lying peacefully on the bed, almost too peacefully. The scene would have been calm if not for the fact that she was grasping on a letter and the tell tale sign of the cracked bottle that lay on the wooden parquet floor.

"Utau call the ambulance. Quick!"

His voice ended in a squeaky tone. Ikuto took the paper that Amu was gripping on to and read it.

XxX

_I'm sorry Ikuto._

XxX

* * *

I wonder I should just leave it as it is? I can't believe I'm so into writing sad stories lately.  
There will be two endings...hopefully. Both as meaningful to me. I think the endings should be up by this week.

Oh yea. I suddenly got attached to Kukai/Utau when I caught a glimspe of the latest manga issued. Kya

You will get what I mean.

Luna


	2. The Past II

Fragile Emotions

- + -

The past II:

"How is she? Doctor?" Utau asked.

He lifted his head, his mouth forming a relief smile.

"She is ok. It seems like she is just suffering from a state of depression. Do keep a watch out on her and take note on each action she makes."

Ikuto who was standing beside Utau nodded numbly. Why as a brother hadn't he noticed before?! As a best friend as a big brother he had failed in both.

"Can we go in and see her?"

"Yes but try not to raise your voices."

The doctor walked off to the next room. The couple opened the door silently, not wanting to disturb Amu in case she was sleeping.

-

I heard the door creak open. I knew from my instinct Ikuto was visiting. There was some shuffling off feet. Seems like he wasn't here alone. Probably with his fiancée. Bitterness crept up to me. Swallowing me whole. Why? Why must he save me? Let me live? For once, I had thought of him as a cruel person.

"Amu?"

His voice.

"Are you awake?"

Please leave. I beg you. I don't want to see you. I don't want to feel anymore. I'm tried to hold on to my emotions. It is like holding a thorn-covered rose. Except now that my hand is coated in crimson blood. It hurts so much knowing that the person you love is so close to you but you can never receive all the love you gave to him. This is so wrong. The whole thing about incest. I'm disgusted with myself. I'm so selfish too. Never wanting to share him with anyone. But he will never know. He shouldn't. He must not.

"Ikuto I don't think she is awake. Maybe we can try visiting another day?"

Yes. Leave. Please.

"I will stay. My sister needs me Utau!"

Why are you so kind? Your tenderness towards me is the bud of where this all started from. I can't cry. Not now. Not when you are right now where you can see me.

"Ok."

I hear the door creaking close. Utau left huh?

"Amu. I know you love me. I love you but not that way. It is just wrong."

I know! You don't need to tell me that! Hearing that from you hits me twice as hard. The society isn't going to accept this right? Then let us go somewhere where no one can find us, where no one will shun us. Only then will you be willing to be with me?

"I know you are awake, Amu. Stop pretending."

So you know. So you think you can understand me? SO YOU THINK YOU CAN UNDERSTAND ME?! You don't. You never will. Drop the act. Please. If you want me to stop loving you then stop treating me so kindly damn it! I know I am twisted inside for loving you. I can't stop my feelings like you can. I only can act.

"Amu…"

I'm sorry for cursing you. I'm sorry for lying to you. I'm sorry for being your sister. I'm sorry for loving you.

"Please."

When I open my eyes I never want to see you cry. Therefore I will not open them. I sick of seeing them always filled with sorrow and pity.

"I guess you are really sleeping huh? I will visit you later then."

Thank you.

-

Here I am at your wedding ceremony. The doctor agreed to let me out of the hospital to witness this once in a life time event of yours. I snorted at the way you have to phrase it in order to convince the doctor to get me out of the hospital. Somehow I wish that the doctor had refused. I should have violently protested then. But I couldn't. I didn't want to hurt you.

The wedding music started playing in the background.

To me it sounded like a funeral march.

Utau stepped on to the aisle in a wedding gown. She is so beautiful as usual. I wonder how I would look like in that dress. Probably inferior to the glowing aura she is giving off now. I feel like I am degrading myself but what are facts will stay as facts.

Every each word you spoke from the marriage vows engraved into my messed up mind. Each word brings you nearer to the kiss I've been trying to avoid. I could feel my once dead heart beating with dreaded anticipation once more as I had never seen you two kissed. I know I will crack after seeing it. What will I do then?

As your face approached hers, I broke down and dashed out of the wedding chapel. Isn't it strange how the wedding chapel is located at a sea cliff? I find it really ironic that the day of your wedding marks my death. I could feel you shouting among the many others as I sprinted to the edge of the cliff's end.

I jumped.

I decided to embrace death wholeheartedly. It was waiting for me after all.

The last thing I saw was crimson blood splattering everywhere and an image of you smiling at me.

I hope you wouldn't think too badly of me.

I don't mind being your sister once more just to see you.

Let's meet again, in another world, another lifetime.

-

"AMU!"

I had loved you Amu.

But this was just all too wrong.

Why does it have to turn out like this?

-

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200 years later…

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"Hi Amu, welcome to Seiyo Academy."


End file.
